"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, darkly, but then face to face."
I’m a big nerd!
I’ve always known this about myself. My idea of a good time is watching Lord of the Rings for the 184,733,758th time while playing Minecraft on the PC, surrounded by framed autographs and all things nerdy. I don’t restrict myself to a singular fandom either. I love them all! Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, The Wizarding World, Marvel, DC! The list goes on forever, as does my love for all of these nerdy things.
I was given so much freedom by my parents to be creative and express my interests, even if it didn’t align with theirs. I was allowed to paint my room, choose my clothes, and pursue any creative outlet I wished to explore. It only seems natural that this environment gave birth to a truly creative soul. Having never been limited to a single medium, I love them all. Being a creative nerd didn’t come without its challenges. I was bullied horrendously throughout my school years—for the things I loved, the clothes I wore, and my creative character. I often wondered whether my trauma had left me marked for bullies to see that I was easy prey.
I went through all this to be who I am and to love what I love, and somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was. In my experience, British culture doesn’t favour the one who stands by the colour of their own shining light. The system doesn’t like the one who walks to the beat of their own drum. There are round pegs for round holes and square pegs for square holes. Stars have to find a different way. These subconscious standards rub off on the people around you, and before you know it, you are shrinking to fit the world you need to live in or you are squeezing yourself into the wrong shape just to get through the day. For those of us who aren’t squares or circles, normality can be a pretty challenging existence unless you find your place.
I think we all get to a stage, as we approach our forties, where we really begin to know ourselves. For me, I’ve reassociated with myself a lot over the last year. Staying clean and sober while undergoing non-negotiable weekly therapy really helps you familiarise yourself with yourself! It’s got me looking at myself in the mirror a little more closely than usual and asking the question, am I the problem?
At what point do I put the Marvel T-shirts away and sell my Lego? At what point do I stop buying computer games, pop my framed autographs in a folder to hide away on a bookshelf? At what point do I stop pursuing my creative ambition and settle for a nine-to-five so I can work on my savings, pay the right amount of taxes, and finally get myself that mortgage society tells me I need? At what point do I prioritise security over a PlayStation Plus subscription? At what point do I sit down with my inner child and say, “Sorry kid, we had a good run. But if we want any hope of getting to the end of this thing, we’re going to have to fall in line.”
Again, this is where I question, am I the problem? Have my life experiences shaped me in such a way that my beliefs and wants are so different from those around me that I feel alien to the world I live in? I’m sure you’ve all heard the term “man cave.” Whether it’s a man cave, woman’s cave, or person’s cave, I think it’s one of the most restrictive and toxic ideas to come out of recent culture. The idea that when two people live together, one must lock all of their things and passions into one room, makes me feel anxious.
Wait, is this a midlife crisis? Did it finally happen? If it is, I can’t afford a convertible! To be perfectly honest, I thought I’d already had that. A few years back, I got a load of piercings and went through a bit of an aging rocker phase. I kind of liked it, but ultimately, I became a raging addict, so I guess it wasn’t for me, LOL. (That was an ironic LOL.)
Maybe this is what life is all about? Finding the balance between living life and remaining true to yourself? Purpose comes in many different forms, and it’s not always bright lights and fanfare. Maybe I need to work on my gratitude’s and accept that a simpler life is on the cards for me. Maybe I need to compromise with myself and my inner child better. Maybe I’ve been pampering my inner child for too long?
Am I the Problem?
Yes and no. If you don’t change a thing, you are choosing it. The bottom line is that I’m too fearful of what might happen if I shine my brightest and show the world that I’m neither circle nor square. Up until now, I have lacked the discipline and the energy needed to break through the matrix. I live a good life, and I’ve surrounded myself with good people. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s mine. I’m not always going to like it, but it’s the only one I have, so I’d better start working out how to live in it and make the most of it. Like they say in meetings: Grant me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Until next time,
DB