#12 Weekly DBrief
Under pressure, dun dun-dun dun-dun dun
“Under pressure, dun dun-dun dun-dun dun”
If you sang that title in your head, then I applaud you. I love Queen, but that song has been on repeat at the forefront of my conscious mind all week, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of David and Freddie piping down anytime soon. Why? Because I am feeling the pressure, baby! With my final Uni assessment handed in, the house is no longer a crushing weight that I'm shackled to. I find myself hurtling toward forty with nothing holding me back except my lack of self-belief. I'm by no means "over the hill", but I am far enough away from my twenties that my choices now feel like they really matter. I haven't come out of my twenties and thirties with a family, career, savings and a house! (not for lack of trying). I'm five months away from forty, wondering how to make all this struggle and adventure mean something. How do I make it all count for something?
From here, the spiral descends into what ifs, what shoulds, and what could be. I become so lost in the potential of the future while chastising myself for the wasted past that I lose all grip on the present. I know I'm not alone in this. I understand I'm not the only Applause Seeker who tiptoes on the precipices of this spiralling cliff edge daily. I realise I'm not the only one who gets so caught up in what to do next that nothing happens. The question is, how does one reframe their thinking to move away from this kind of thought paralysis?
Be in the moment. It is as simple and as complicated as that. It's simple because that's literally all you have to do. It's complicated because nothing about life is set up to facilitate staying present in the moment. Social media is chock full of entrepreneurs telling us that dreams are but a moment away so long as we sacrifice everything and work a sixteen-hour day. Health influencers taunt us on mass with six packs and thigh gaps that we don't deserve unless we calculate macros and practice portion control whilst throwing our last ounce of energy at gym machines, ignoring the sugar-coated, fat-filled adverts that the media bombards us with. We save tirelessly for the car that looks good outside the house we can't afford and is filled with the things we think we need. Then all we think about is the holiday we want away from everything we work for to satisfy a future version of ourselves that was unhappy with a previous version of our present self. A present self that is rarely acknowledged, cared for, or spent time with.
Eckhart Tolle:
"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it."
We are actively encouraged to reach for more, plan for a better future, and treat our past with contempt. It's exhausting.
When I think about when I am happiest. It's when I'm being completely present at the moment. I'm not looking backwards; I'm not reaching forward. My feet are firmly planted in the moment and I am present. What is so interesting about this form of grounded presence is that life begins to flow through you. I know how whoo whoo that sounds, but it's true. Ever chase after something so fiercely that you end up spectacularly fucking the whole thing up? You end up exhausted and empty-handed. But when you focus on yourself and align your actions in a balanced and grounded way whilst staying present in the moment, enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination. Things start to fall into place, and you can't explain how or why, but miraculously, it just kind of does.
In NA, we call this surrendering to your higher power. Whatever your higher power may be. For some, that's a god; for others, it's themselves. It doesn't really matter; that part of it is personal to you, and it's no one else's business. I didn't understand what "surrendering to your higher power" meant for so long. But the more I focused on myself and how I handled situations rather than trying to bend the day to my own will. The more I caught glimpses of what that meant.
The first time my dad tried to sell the house was just after COVID. The world already felt unstable, and the thought of losing the home I'd lived in for ten years tipped me over the edge. I fought tooth and nail, trying to stop it. My mind spun with plans and arguments, but none of them worked. I clung so hard to what I couldn't control that it drained every ounce of my strength. My days were filled with anxiety and my nights with sleepless spirals. The weight of it made me feel like I was drowning. I didn't know how to let go, so I collapsed under the pressure. It was a dark time, a really dark time. In fact, a few times, I tried to make it my last time.
But if you miss the lesson the first time, life has a way of circling back.
A few months ago, my dad decided to sell the house again; only this time, I could tell it would go ahead. However, I chose to react. That could be why I decided to handle things differently; it could be all my work. I still felt the familiar pull of fear and resistance, but this time, I caught it. Instead of gripping tightly, I loosened my hold. I surrendered. I focused on what I could control, which was me. I packed and cleared, reflecting with gratitude and staying grounded in the present moment. I accepted that I couldn't stop the sale and, more importantly, that I didn't need to.
This time, I didn't exhaust myself. I didn't crumble under the weight of something I couldn't change. Instead, I flowed with it. I came out the other side lighter, stronger, more at peace. And somehow, miraculously, everything worked out. But that's the secret no one tells you. It always works out in the end; it just takes time.
Circling back to my opening paragraph. Yes, I'm feeling the pressure. But only because I'm not enjoying the moment and remembering my gratitudes. I've just completed a degree at thirty-nine years of age! God damn! I have a job, and I have good health. I've somewhere to rest my head and someone that loves me very much! The possibilities ahead are limitless, and all I need to do is keep showing up. I don't have to do anything else than that.
Until next time
DB
You have a lovely way of writing. Engaging, clear and it shifts the mind in a really wonderful way. It’s like you take big parts of your life and nail it into a sentence or paragraph, but the content hits deeply and profoundly because you have achieved such mental clarity about it.
Keep being beautifully you and sharing your thoughts, they have powerful and far reaching effects.
Love you xxxx
Beautiful and thought provoking.